Falling for what I thought was for me

 I loved the way you smelt, I love the way you made me feel after hours of being on the phone. Who would've known that the conversation would lead me to be naked in your bedroom and cooking without me even getting a proper how are you doing what you like to do. I fooled myself saying I want you was only the words meaning I want you the right way not wanting you the way I wanted you. The possibility of loving and caring for you wouldn't be possible because the first words out your mouth when you got mad was I can't be with someone that acts crazy I can't be with someone that doesn't bring peace to my life was that really how you felt at the moment if  so then why every time we lay down together you told me I love you and this is all yours. You know what that was that was only what my mind wanted to hear but in reality, that isn't what I deserved to hear. As time goes on the red flags keep brewing but somehow what I felt was a green flag was something telling me to go, telling me to let go and telling me the more he showed you he wasn't for you. I would call and text and text and call I would be available when he needed me and wanted me to be available. I'm not perfect the words that came out my mouth was words from hurt and words from the defensive mechanism that my heart and mind had. It was on me to not control how I reacted and not controlled what I said I can take accountability I can also say that living and learning is what we do and to know me is to love me. Never except or go for looks because they fade away over time and we shouldn't have to question someone that shows us who they are the first time not the second or third time. I know my worth and I cannot and wont be settling my life, my rules. Loving me, supporting me, going all out for me.

Making it

This story isn't to have tears drop this is to create sunshine on the rainy days. Whew I made it to 30 I made it. The scars the memories couldn't break me, you know what broke me was me thinking I couldn't recreate this thing called life. Well let me start by saying the sky is the limit its possible to go beyond the stars. A African American little girl coming into a world that she knew would just love and care for her, that became the opposite. Bright lights, doctors rushing in the room to save me and get that toxin out of my body, but who knew that the toxin in my body was the start of a cold world. Being placed in the hands of a guardian but not someone you called mom, more like to the state of California. Growing up not holding, not hugging, not being cuddled by the woman who gave you birth we call mother,mom,or mommy. Just handed off to someone who was supposed to protect you but end up failing you in the most horrific ways you can think of. Doll babies, barbie dolls, stuffed animals were given to me but what about your loved ones, siblings. The excitement that must've been on faces were covering up for the abuse that was gunna take place. Apple juice was the only thing and milk that my body knew, when water was created to hydrate you and give you nutrients you needed. The cry baby the baby that hollered when she couldn't get her way. You thought you could call her spoiled, but it was damn she a hollering ass baby, why does she get what she wants. Is it because she was the youngest, she couldn't speak on what was going on...A child thinking crying was getting her way, but siblings took the blame, took on what was supposed to happen to me, it didn't stop at them, the taller I got the older I got it trickled down to me. Even being a baby it happend, what was supposed to be love and cuddles and the endless caring turned to create memories that took years to be erased. The abuse, the dark clouds, the storm, the availability to what's not supposed to be available, the let down of human beings that made promises to never leave me, never hurt me, always will  be back. The shadow that followed me even when the light was peaking through. This is who I am i thought for years...I am getting back my life I am rewarding how far I came this is what I call meking it.