Falling for what I thought was for me

 I loved the way you smelt, I love the way you made me feel after hours of being on the phone. Who would've known that the conversation would lead me to be naked in your bedroom and cooking without me even getting a proper how are you doing what you like to do. I fooled myself saying I want you was only the words meaning I want you the right way not wanting you the way I wanted you. The possibility of loving and caring for you wouldn't be possible because the first words out your mouth when you got mad was I can't be with someone that acts crazy I can't be with someone that doesn't bring peace to my life was that really how you felt at the moment if  so then why every time we lay down together you told me I love you and this is all yours. You know what that was that was only what my mind wanted to hear but in reality, that isn't what I deserved to hear. As time goes on the red flags keep brewing but somehow what I felt was a green flag was something telling me to go, telling me to let go and telling me the more he showed you he wasn't for you. I would call and text and text and call I would be available when he needed me and wanted me to be available. I'm not perfect the words that came out my mouth was words from hurt and words from the defensive mechanism that my heart and mind had. It was on me to not control how I reacted and not controlled what I said I can take accountability I can also say that living and learning is what we do and to know me is to love me. Never except or go for looks because they fade away over time and we shouldn't have to question someone that shows us who they are the first time not the second or third time. I know my worth and I cannot and wont be settling my life, my rules. Loving me, supporting me, going all out for me.